


How can I Remember to Forget?

by LStar



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, Angst With Bittersweet ending, M/M, Oneshot, Songfic, but i love it and people didnt comment much on it, i have a karmagisa oneshot like this, suicide attempt (aine)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 09:52:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LStar/pseuds/LStar
Summary: Reiji's guilty over Aine's suicide, and there's only one person who can pick him back up.





	How can I Remember to Forget?

**Author's Note:**

> I...I wanted to write angst, and this song was the first to come to mind so...

 

_So I guess it's over, there's nothing left to say..._

Reiji started shaking when it was announced in class that Aine Kisaragi, his best friend, his boyfriend, was dead. He stared ahead, lips parted in shock when it was told he'd committed suicide.

_Take the ring off my finger, just call it a day..._

After class, Reiji slowly trudged to his next class, trying to grasp the fact that Aine was really...gone. No. He can't be. This...this had to be a cruel joke, right? His lower lip trembled as he thought back to the previous times he'd spent with Aine. Suddenly, the somewhat lost looks in his eyes, the wavering smile, the stiffness in his shoulders...it all made sense. Aine had been feeling down for awhile now, and Reiji was too stupid to notice.

_Thought we had forever..._

Reiji froze. Wait, Aine had called him yesterday, and when he tried calling back after his audition, Aine didn't answer. He...he was Aine's last hope...and he didn't answer the phone. He put his audition ahead of his own boyfriend. He put his hand over his mouth. "It...no...it couldn't have been my fault..!" he gasped.

_But that was yesterday..._

"Rei? What's wrong?" Hibiki asked. He and Kei stopped infront of Reiji, staring at him. And then, Reiji made another huge mistake.

_You're such a liar..._

"Aine...he called me...before he committed..." Reiji's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to say it. Hibiki and Kei stared at him, then looked at eachother, seemingly having a silent conversation before turning back to Reiji, their faces oddly blank. "So, it's your fault then," Kei said blandly. Reiji recoiled. "What..?"

_Wish I saw it on your face..._

"You killed Aine!" Hibiki shouted. Reiji's heart lurched, his mind flashing back to all the fake smiles Aine had flashed him, listening to Reiji rant, not opening up... "No..." Reiji whispered, "I didn't...I didn't kill him!"

_But you did it so well..._

"You did! If you answered the phone, then he wouldn't have fucking killed himself!" Hibiki said, shaking in anger, "how can you do that to your own best friend?" Reiji's mouth opened to defend himself, but Kei cut him off before he could even speak. "You're disgusting, Reiji. I can't believe we were ever friends with you."

_Can somebody just tell me how..?_

Reiji watched as Hibiki and Kei turned their backs on him after giving him one final dirty glare, and left him, standing, shaking in the emptying halls. Reiji stared ahead, before he dropped to his knees, his bag cluttering next to him. He covered his mouth. No...no. This...it wasn't...it was...it...it was all his fault..! Hibiki and Kei were right, he killed Aine. He was a monster. He was disgusting. He...he didn't deserve to have any friends. The tears he'd fought back for so long now began dripping down his face as he moved to purse his lips together to hold back an oncoming sob. "I...I'm so sorry, Aine," he whispered, covering his mouth.

_How can I remember to forget?_

Reiji lowered his shaking body to the ground as he started sobbing uncontrollably. "Aine...Aine...Aine..!" he bawled, "I'm so sorry. This is my fault. Why wasn't I there for you, like you've always been there for me?"

_When my heart just won't let me._

"You...you selfless, dumb...!" Reiji lifted himself, burying his face in his hands, trembling. "Why? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave us?"

_Make myself unlove you..._

"I miss you Aine, please, please come back! I need you! I still love you!" Reiji choked out. It was...a wonder, how no one paid any heed to him from the classrooms. Maybe people were just letting him grieve, or maybe he was being quieter than he thought. Who knew? It wasn't the most pressing thing on Reiji's mind currently. The only thing on his mind was how it was all his fault that Aine committed suicide.

_Tell me that it's not true..._

"Please let this all be a bad dream!" Reiji gasped out, moving to curl in on himself. "Please, please, let me wake up in the dorms with Aine asleep in his bed..!"

_I know all the reasons, but I just can't believe them..._

But it wasn't a dream. It was reality. And the reality of this was Aine was gone, and Reiji never bothered noticing the changes in his boyfriend.

_And pretend we never met..._

God, why did this have to happen? The worst Reiji had to go through prior to this was his father abandoning them when he was little. Was...was he destined to be abandoned? Was that the case?

_How can I remember to forget?_

Reiji felt helpless. Like his only lot in life was to be abandoned. His mother and sister were still there, but how long was that going to last? How long until they leave him too, like his dad? Like Hibiki and Kei? Like Aine? It was only a matter of time. Before they all leave.

_Wish that I could hate you, so I could let you go..._

It'd be so much easier if he could just close off his heart.

_Wish I never met the one I want the most..._

But he couldn't.

_I could fill an ocean with all the tears I've cried..._

Reiji felt drained. Tired. Exhausted. It was no question as to why, though, it was obvious. Reiji had cried out all of his tears. He needed...sleep. So, he got up, and trudged to the dorms. He'd played hooky countless times, even roped Aine into doing it, despite his half hearted protests.

_Tell me you were joking..._

Being in the dorm room to get some rest would do him some good, right? Yeah, on the rare occasion Reiji cried, sleep always helped him. It always helped heal his pain for awhile. So surely, sleeping off this tiring sadness will help? Yeah! It had to!

_Just a dream I had last night..._

Reiji was wrong. So wrong. Being in the dorm room he'd shared with Aine made it all worse.

_But I'm wide awake..._

So, now Reiji was just laying on his bed, staring at the cold, empty, clean bed on the opposite side of the room, his eyes sad. He'd cried his last tears, why couldn't he sleep now? Was it because it was Aine..?

_And I want you so much right now..._

Aine...Reiji missed him so much, he wished...he could hear Aine's soft laugh again. See his gentle face. See his sparkling smile. Watch as he tucks his hair behind his ear and pouts. Everything about Aine, to Reiji, was perfect.

_How can I remember to forget these emotions?_

Actually, Aine was the first person Reiji's ever had feelings for. He always thought he was weird for not ever crushing on people before he turned fifteen. He did know he was attracted to guys by the time he was fourteen, but he never formed a true...well, connection with anyone. Aine was the one to break that cycle. The one who smiled at him when others didn't, the one who didn't mind his bad habits, the one who wanted to sing with him. The one...the only one...who Reiji loved.

_And all the plans we made?_

Aine and Reiji had even made plans to become the best idols in all of Japan, singing together, dating in secret, living together...it was going to be the perfect life. They were going to be happy.

_Like we never happened make my heart a-break..._

But now that dream was shattered.

_I know we're clearly over..._

Because Aine is gone. He's gone from Reiji's life. From everyone's life.

_But I just don't know how..._

Reiji turned in his bed, facing the wall away from Aine's tauntingly empty bed. He stared at the blank, white wall, Even though there was nothing, no one in the room, he still felt an eerie feeling behind him. It was as if life wanted to smack Reiji full force with the news that he killed Aine. Not that he needed the reminder. This was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

_How can I remember to forget?_

"Aine..."

_When my heart just won't let me..._

"I'm sorry..."

_Make myself unlove you..._

"I should've noticed how you changed. I now see how you did, I know that your smiles were stiffer, they didn't reach your eyes, but I was so stupid. I never noticed when it was happening. And when I did, it...it was too late," Reiji let out a sob at his own ignorant stupidity. "God, I just...I..." he hiccuped.

_Tell me that it's not true..._

"I want you back, Aine," he whispered, "I just want...to hold you...I wish I could've told you it'll all be okay."

_I know all the reasons but I just can't believe them..._

"It's so selfish of me. I never knew just how truly lucky I was to have you, until it was too late. I'm sorry...I want to take it all back!"

_And pretend we never met..._

"Please Aine, you're the best friend and boyfriend a guy could ever hope to have!" Reiji sobbed, "If Heaven truly exists, then I know that's where you'll be right now. So please..." he lifted his head to look up at the ceiling, his lower lip trembling. No, it wasn't just his lower lip. His entire body was trembling.

_How can I remember to forget..?_

"From wherever you are, Aine..."

_Forget..._

"Please..."

_Oh..._

"Find it in your heart to one day forgive me."

_Oh..._

_~_

"Reiji, wake up," a soft voice spoke urgently. Reiji blinked away, surprised to his his boyfriend Ai Mikaze, his bandmate of Quartet Night, leaning over him, a worried expression etched across his normally indifferent face. "Ai-Ai? What's wrong?" Reiji yawned. He felt a cool hand on his cheek, wiping something away. "I heard noises and came to check on you. You were crying in your sleep," Ai said quietly. Reiji blinked, lifting his hand to his wet face. Oh. "I'm alright, Ai-Ai, thanks," Reiji murmured, turning to look out the window.

He felt the bed dip, and Ai was suddenly next to him, bringing him down, wrapping one arm around Reiji. It took him a moment to realize Ai was trying to calm his rapidly speeding heart. "Do you...want to talk about it?" Ai asked, albeit a little bit awkwardly. He wasn't very good at this kind of stuff...but the effort was always appreciated. Reiji shook his head.

"No, it's all in the past now," he sighed. Yes, it was indeed all in the past. It was a decade ago, now...and yet...

He still can't stop blaming himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Hhhh, if you're interested in the song, here's a link: https://youtu.be/YrLhNb4N_n4  
> But um...yeah, comments are appreciated.


End file.
